Rejection or Objection?

So we are another month further and still going at a snail pace to healing the hurt.  

So much said and it feels like it was not heard.  Said to the right person with the right heart in the right moment, and NOTHING.

Jip, NOTHING to show, not even a slight bit of guilt, remorse or sympathy.  This from my own mother in my own house.

One would think she should be proud of me for what I have achieved in life, how I raised strong daughters that are independent and working for what they want.  And all this makes me wonder if it is her rejecting me or am I objecting to being neglected in her process of trying to catch the rest?

I know, a loaded question! Which emotion is it? Rejection or objection?

Rejection provokes the sadness and loneliness of her absence in our lives, whilst objection makes me feel like an entitled selfish little brat.  Both not growing in positive spaces and drags you down to self-doubt, dark thoughts and low confidence.  

Every day I get up and dress up and smile.  Every day I try again to sort out this puzzle in my head.  Is it me or is it her? Or is it both?  Another double emotion that makes me question my morales and values to the core.  Should I stand for what I was taught and believe in, or do I turn a blind eye to what is against my moral fibre in the name of loneliness and love?  

I have tried to unpack this basket so many times, just to push it aside again and put up my mask.  All in the face of bravery, because I am not broken nor bent, just hanging.  Those who know will know that I have an extreme fear of heights, and this is a cliff hanger.

I turned to God so many times and every time I leave with my basket of troubles again.  Like He cannot be trusted to sort this. Ha! I am caught in this weave of blur, this veil of murkiness and the light sometimes barely shines through.  

Still I find that I am able to pour love and kindness out to the world. I wonder where this comes from, my cup or my saucer?  Or is it His Grace that allows the heart to make space for all emotions, all feelings and most importantly the replica of Him?  I fail to understand how one can be your own unique person, with your unique gift and still feel lost and hopeful in one moment.  Am I then that objective to bad treatment or rejection?

Is this what optimism is?  Being brave or objective and still hoping for the best.  It makes me wonder more than ever: Am I rejected or am I objecting?