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it's been a year

They say it's been a minute, but the last 6 months has been a lifetime. A lifetime of hope, sorrow, grief, losses, gains, heartbreak, cheering, anger, cloudy insights, crying, lots of crying mostly.  Smiles were few and far apart in this battle against the Grey grief.   Maybe I have forgotten who I am supposed to be, because somehow this year 2026 revealed all of life's ugliness to me. The woman who diminished herself for everyone and who is always willing to push other people's wheelchairs, finds herself stranded with no help.  Where is my partner you ask? Easy, busy with everything on his phone to make and spend money for us, but has no time to hold me while my world is falling apart.  I suppose it is easier to handle materialistic success than an emotionally unstable partner, who is dealing with life right now.  So many things are flying in this tornado of my life, I can't seem to get a hold of anything.  No matter the effort I put in.  Yet, ev...
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When overwhelmed becomes whelmed

 The blindness of the rage The lungless of the stage when the present is in a haze and the future in a faze When your breathing is a job A reminder that you are not a slob While the whole time you deny The feelings that make you shy And when the storm passes over your thoughts rush in like a rover What did I respond toward How did I react accord When the overwhelmed becomes whelmed Forgiveness is helmed Sorry is in order to say For our imperfection we get to pray
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I waited patiently

 I waited patiently for you to show but you didn't know. I waited patiently for you to see me but you are too busy I waited patiently for you to hear me but you could not listen I waited patiently for you to understand me but you had other matters to attend. So now I no longer wait.   The disappointment is not any less hurtful but I will be ok. The memory of a non-priority birthday is not new It is in actual fact a norm. I will not leave because you can't see the truth I will wait because I promised commitment in front of God I will rise again and find my joy I will rise again and smile and give with my full heart I have not forgotten who I am And I have definitely not forgotten to pause and praise I know His plans for me are great, greater than earthly goods. Prosper and Joy - my new goals.
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Rejection or Objection?

So we are another month further and still going at a snail pace to healing the hurt.   So much said and it feels like it was not heard.  Said to the right person with the right heart in the right moment, and NOTHING. Jip, NOTHING to show, not even a slight bit of guilt, remorse or sympathy.  This from my own mother in my own house. One would think she should be proud of me for what I have achieved in life, how I raised strong daughters that are independent and working for what they want.  And all this makes me wonder if it is her rejecting me or am I objecting to being neglected in her process of trying to catch the rest? I know, a loaded question! Which emotion is it? Rejection or objection? Rejection provokes the sadness and loneliness of her absence in our lives, whilst objection makes me feel like an entitled selfish little brat.  Both not growing in positive spaces and drags you down to self-doubt, dark thoughts and low confidence.   Every da...
Location: Pretoria, South Africa
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Hoor U my Here?

Hoor U my Here, as ek so wild en wakker haat en beledig? Hoor U my as ek nie verby my eie ek kan beweeg nie en my onvergewensgesindheid so bloot gery word? Ek hoor U nie.  Ek voel U nie.  Alles in my is kwaad, omgekrap en ek kan nie eers in woorde beskryf hoe alleen ek voel nie.  Hoekom kan ek nie die ongesproke jammer sien in ander nie? Hoekom is my trots so erg in mypad dat ek nie meer n ander se pyn kan voel of sien nie? Here, is daar fout met my as mens dat ander so gretiglik oor my kan loop en vertrap wat goed is in my? Ek is kwaad.  Ek haat.  Ek voel nie meer soos U koningskind nie.   Hoe kan U my lief he as alles in my werelds is en so opstandig is Here? Help my Here.  Hoor my hart.  Maak hom skoon en gee hom weer lig en liefde.   Ek Hou nie meer van hierdie donker wereld nie Here.  Dis swaar om te dra en nog swaarder om te verstaan waar die lyne is.  Help my Here. Hoor my hart vanaand. Maak hom skoon Asseblief....
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The journey starts here

 Yes! This will be the start of my new chapter, my journey to lighter. Maybe sometimes we carry too much of the other sides baggage, because we believe we must save and give more. Because we believe we must always be the "bigger person".  Who indoctrinated us that we are not allowed to be human? WE are not allowed to say how we feel or how others make us feel? Never say you hate someone - so rude!?  Truth is we all hate someone, or even maybe a few people in our lives.  We carry the revenge within us, we want to be in their face and show them, "Look, I am not to be defeated by the likes of you!"  Strange how this trap exists only in my mind.  I'm pretty certain the few people I hate feel the same about me (I know this from the stories of my life, which I did not live, yet is doing the rounds).   Then out of the blue, the tik tok reels become relevant.  Did I heal or did I choose to forget? What a loaded question this one is.  Did I heal?...
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