it's been a year
They say it's been a minute, but the last 6 months has been a lifetime.
A lifetime of hope, sorrow, grief, losses, gains, heartbreak, cheering, anger, cloudy insights, crying, lots of crying mostly. Smiles were few and far apart in this battle against the Grey grief.
Maybe I have forgotten who I am supposed to be, because somehow this year 2026 revealed all of life's ugliness to me. The woman who diminished herself for everyone and who is always willing to push other people's wheelchairs, finds herself stranded with no help.
Where is my partner you ask? Easy, busy with everything on his phone to make and spend money for us, but has no time to hold me while my world is falling apart. I suppose it is easier to handle materialistic success than an emotionally unstable partner, who is dealing with life right now.
So many things are flying in this tornado of my life, I can't seem to get a hold of anything. No matter the effort I put in. Yet, everybody expects one to last, never break , always provide, care and clean. Be a good mother, be a good wife, do as you are told, keep your opinions to yourself, lower your voice and don't share your thoughts. Who am I anyway to have an educated or worthy thought in any case?
I fear rejection has finally taken a toll on me. This empty vessel left behind is struggling to see where to fit in. Not a good enough mother, not a submissive enough wife, not a wanted or loved daughter and definitely not a great sister.
So what do I have to say to myself? I COULD HAVE DONE BETTER WITH MY BOUNDARIES!
Yes, that's right what it is. My intentions and feelings have never been acknowledged or appreciated. I have been treated like a mindless maid and cash cow. Not just 2026, my whole life. And God forbid I do not help others, when I have so much according to them, then what? Then I am greedy, jealous, stingy, unloyal and who knows what else.
Everyone gets to air their feelings towards me, but I am not allowed to air mine. This is my promise to myself, because I matter too. I matter not just as a mother, but as a daughter, a sister, a wife, a friend and as a human being, a child of God.
No longer will I hold back my heart and feelings. When I am angry, offended or otherwise aggrieved, I will say it. The real facts, not the perception. When I am happy I am am going to express all my joy, gratefulness and excitement without prejudice or inhibition. This is me coming up... The full Monty.
So my mother doesn't want me - truth is she wasn't there all along. I will survive further without her. I will forgive and love from afar. Blame me all you like for all you wish to. I can only take accountability for what I chose. Oh I know I am already written out of the will and mind. Nothing dad said is sacred anymore. Self inflicted trauma is also a thing.
So my sister sees me as a threat for an inheritance from my still living mother - truth is I made good choices in my life and she didn't. I cannot stand in for others poor life choices. Keep everything, because once Mom is gone, you will see that all that material things do not compare to her being there.
So my children doesn't know how to react when I am down - truth is they are a little spoilt. Our fault entirely. This will not withhold me from parenting the crap out of them still. My house my rules! Love it or leave it. My current emotional status is not a Russian dance floor you can dance and jump on. My feelings matter and while you are growing up and growing wiser by the day, remember you were entrusted to me by God, and I will fulfill my duty.
So my husband does not want to spend time with me - truth is I have stated that I am lonely, forgotten and last on his list. Went as far as to ask him if he spoke to his boss like he did to me, would he still be employed? Flipside of the coin is it is easier to be all of you, dark or light, with your partner. This said, effort is the key and that key is missing right now. I no longer feel wanted, just needed for the wrong reasons. Cook, cleaner and gofer. All hirable elements of a house, yet here I am.
So my workload has doubled at work and I lost a best friend - this one is my least favorite part of 2026. So much of my life changed in one moment. So much hope and so much heartache. And I don't get to run away from work where we shared so much time. Nope, I get to face this loss 9 hours for 5 days a week. I worry about her children and all their firsts without her. Maybe here I can still count a little.
Whichever way, I am not holding my breath for any great appreciation or sudden love soon. I find myself in a strange void of time that I will deal with slowly. Life will just have to be patient with me too.